IELTS Writing Task 2 Sample Band 6
IELTS Essay Sample Band 6
6.0
Overall Score
29 Jul 24, 20:32
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Overall Feedback
The essay provides a clear opinion and relevant examples but lacks coherence and cohesion in some parts. Grammar and vocabulary usage are adequate but could be improved for higher accuracy and variety.
| Overall score | 6.0 | |
| Grammatical range and accuracy | 6.0 | |
| Lexical resource | 5.0 | |
| Coherence & cohesion | 6.0 | |
| Task response | 6.0 |
| Total Errors | 26 | |
| Grammatical range and accuracy | 4 | |
| Lexical resource | 16 | |
| Coherence & cohesion | 3 | |
| Task response | 3 |
Question
While family values are believed to shape personal behavior significantly, external influences like media and peers also play a crucial role.
To what extent do you agree or disagree that family values have a greater influence on behavior than external influences?
#Family
#Agree / Disagree
Submitted Answer
English:
Words:335
Paragraphs:4
Formality
Task Response
Readability
Coherence
Cohesion
Vocabulary Usage
Grammar Range
Ideas Development
Logical Flow
It is a common belief that personal
behavior
is changed significantly by family values. However, I firmly believe that the media
and peers have an essential role in affecting one's personal behavior
.To begin with, the
children
spend
more
time
using
media
than the family. Nowadays, the parents have to work outside and spend
less time
with the children
, the children
use
their smartphones when they are free. Also, they usually use
the phone and meet media
without adult teaching, so they learn more
knowledge on the Internet than the parents teaching them. A recent study shows that most primary students in Hong Kong spend
more
than eight hours on their phones. Therefore, spending
more
time
on media
alone leads to the children
learning from it with their ability and thought, causing there will be a bond between developing one's behavior
and media
.On top of that, while
more
children
spend
time
using
media
, they would share their views with peers at schools or tutorial classes as these would be the second most time
where
the children
spend
. Also, the children
care about their friends
' opinions because of their age. According to research, the majority of primary school students in Hong Kong go to tutorial classes after school and meet more
than 4 friends
in the classes. A student named Ken claimed that I usually share my Instagram posts with my friends
for suggestions. It can be shown that the children
will understand or get information from each other. Also, these ages of people are commonly affected by their friends
easily, involving caring about other views on oneself, such as personality or appearance. In addition, less time
spending
with parents leads to the role model of a child
becoming their friends
or classmates.To sum up,
spending
more
time
on media
and caring about the views of their friends
lead to behavior
changes. For these reasons, it is clear that the personal behavior
will be shifted by media
and peers than family values.